I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
