Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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