dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
