I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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