I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
