Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
