Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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