tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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