I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
