Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
