If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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