Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
