i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
