Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
