my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
