So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
