I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
