I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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