Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
