I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
