I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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