When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".