Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
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I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?