I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...