haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
He kissed a someone with a penis
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
