I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.