I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha