Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button