dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
