We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that