I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
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no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
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I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that