genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...