I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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