i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
