anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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