took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize