dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
