I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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