When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
