My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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