I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
