I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
