I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
