Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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