I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
