So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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