bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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