he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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