Only a mothe r could love this liver
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
