my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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