I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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