The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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