I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
