last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Randomize
