there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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