You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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