hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
