Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
that may or may not have been my penis.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
