i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
