Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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