Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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