So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
