Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
