4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
