im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
