sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
