So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
